Long Trip Alone

[Nikolas Breyden]

Niko didn't realize how much hurt until the medicine entered his veins. The sweet relief stilled the throbbing pain in his arm, quieted the pounding in his head and put the fire out on his body. He allowed himself to relax and listened to Kris as she spoke. He nodded feebly and wondered if she even saw him do it. He knew it was her that left the sweets. He figured out that much when they were out in the desert. How long ago was that? How long was he out there? How messed up was he. He knew one thing, if it was too bad; his father would be disappointed in him.

He can’t lead the people if he is not in peak physical condition. He was told this much when he was quite young by his father. That was the one thing about his father he could never forget; the constant drilling about how important he was to the survival of the people. He could have told her how he hated her when they were children; how she stole his father and stole his affection.

He knew he father loved her like a daughter because he could hear him when he said his prayers, asking God for her strength safety. But when he prayed for him it was always that he would get his head out of the clouds and do his duty properly. To hell with his safety…he had to see to that himself. She was the child his father always wanted…the perfect little soldier.

He needed to stop thinking about it. It was just the jealous quipping of a bitter young man. He had long since decided to let it go and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that his father loved them both is different ways, he just didn’t know how to show it.

He sighed and did as he was told, let the medicine do its work. He wanted to protest when he thought Kris was going to leave and was greatly relieved to feel her lay down at his feet. It was only then that he allowed himself to fall asleep.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU??” 14 year old Nik looked up from his bed to see the rage in his father’s eyes. “How could you run off and get yourself half killed just so you could show off??”

Niks hands came up to protect his face, even though his father never struck him. He was still afraid he would with his hand flailing around like that. “Father I…” he was quickly cut off.
“And after I chose the perfect mate for you! Look at her!” he demanded and pointed at a very young Kris asleep at his feet. She was so small laying there at his feet. A spunky little thing who didn't take shit from anyone. “What will she do if you get yourself killed. It’s selfish Nikolas! YOU! Are a selfish young man who doesn’t deserve her.” Nik wanted to protest but his father suddenly grabbed the sleeping girl by the hand and yanked her off the bed. “And for that, you shall not have her.” He said flatly and began to drag her away.

“No! Father no!” Nik cried out in a panic, his voice bleeding through to the real world. “Father no! Don’t take her! Kris! Kris? Kris please! Don’t let him take you!” He felt a strong hand on his, shaking it gently.

“It’s alright Boss, she’s just asleep, right at your feet, It’s alright, no one is taking her anywhere.” The low baritone voice gave him little comfort as he was still half in the dream world.

“Kris! Kris I need you, don’t go!” he jerked his hand away from Justice, “Kris, I love you!"

[kristhiana]

Somewhere in her sleep she heard her name, she half woke and tried to roll over and came more fully awake as she realised she was jammed between the board at the end of the bed and 2 feet. She heard her name again and her eyes sprung fully open.

Justice's deep resonating voice soothed Nik and Kris felt her eyes start to drift closed again but Nik's urgent plea and half asleep, half drugged declaration stopped her mind from the sleep it needed. She felt the corners of her mouth twitch into a smile and heard an almost inaudible chuckle from Justice.

"Shut up Justice" she murmered as she wriggled to sit up, rubbing her eyes.

"I swear when you two finally get hitched,I am gonna take a long vacation" he crossed his arms behind the back of his head "Its a tough job babysitting you two sweetheart" he grinned.

She shot him a glare that very clearly told him not to push things, he held both of his hands up and shrugged "aye aye general"he chuckled

Still glaring at him she crawled up the bed so that she was beside Nik, the bed just large enough for the two of them if she lay on her side. She gave Justice a look over Nik's chest and sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

She yawned and snuggled against Nik's side, careful not to touch his injured arm that was lying across his chest. She lay her head on the pillow near his and leaned it against his shoulder.

"You know" she spoke quietly to Justice "The Admiral, Nik's dad I mean, he told me that i was to protect Nik at all costs, I was to be his shield, his armour, his fighting arm. He was too important, to special, to amazing at what he did to ever be in danger. The people of Haven need him because he is the only one that could save them." She sighed and yawned, inhaling deeply the musky sent of the man beside her "Do you think Nik understands that his father really loved him? He was all his father ever tralked about"

She yawned again and closed her eye, with her cheek resting against his shoulder it felt almost to comfortable, too casual, the thought went through her mind that she shouldn't do such a thing without permission, that she could be court marshalled for taking liberties. She shook her head just a little and took a deep breath trying to calm the urge to get up and stand guard at the door.

"Tell me Justice" she asked softly "how do you do it? How do you feel things without letting the soldier in you interfere, coz I don't know if I can do it"

[Justice Coltrain]

Justice fought the urge to shout at Kris that she didn’t know shit about him; that he wasn’t this person who everyone thought he was but he knew he couldn’t. People had to think he was a womanizer and a right bastard about it. Over the last few years he had found four different girls who would sit in his hut with him for a couple hours during the night in return for things he could get them in New Vegas. Truth be known, he never slept with any women before. It was a sad thing but it was the way it had to be if he was going to survive.

He sighed and stood up. Now that she was awake, he could go get into his stash of weed and cool his heels in his hut until the first woman showed up for her stuff. “That, Kris, is something you have to figure out for yourself. I wouldn’t know anything about love other than what my Mama gave me. But, if there is one thing she taught me,” He said as he tucked his shirt in, “Life is too short.” He knew that for a fact with death staring him in the face constantly, “You gotta live, laugh and love while you can. And from what I have learned in my life, some people never get to experience that.” including him. He walked to the door then turned around and faced her with loneliness in his eyes that she may not have ever seen before since he was very good at hiding it, “You have a chance at something beautiful, General. Some of us will never get that, if you pass it up just because you want to be more soldier than human…you’re not as smart as I thought you were.” And with that, he tipped his hat then disappeared into the night.

[kristhiana]

Kris frowned at the back of Justice's head as he walked out the door. She had no idea why at times he seemed to go off on a tangent, telling everyone to live life while they could. Whenever she questioned him about it he would laugh and make some joke. But as time went on, each time did so she could start to see a little edge to his reasoning and wondered what was going on in his head at these times.

Still frowning she looked back at Nik, her face softened into a smile and she rested her head back down on his shoulder, she closed her eyes, her arm sliding slowly over his chest. She kissed his cheek softly with a sigh. Maybe Justice was right and it was time for her to be more human than soldier, maybe it was time to try and forget the endless drills that had shaped her into the machine she was. Maybe just maybe she could feel and fight, maybe....

She drifted off to sleep, her arm tightening on him as she dreamed again of zombies. At some point she half woke to the sound of the medic fussing around changing the saline bag. She smiled and the medic grunted with a nod. She closed her eyes for more sleep but it eluded her. She wondered, if not for the first time, what she should do about Nik, about him needing children, wanting to be married, and not just married but married to her.

She wondered if she would be able to keep him safe if she was emotionally invested in him, would she be able to think with the clarity it needed or would she be too close to see the danger. Could she protect him more by being closer to him on all occassions and how could she protect him at all if she were with child.

Light dawned through the window and she still lay there, snuggled up against him and thinking. She took a deep breath and sighed, noting the change in his breathing she went to move, to sit up and not be lying draped over him in a way that was likely too familair.

[Nikolas Breyden]

Nik woke up slightly when Kris moved up and laid her head on his shoulder. He was comforted enough to fall back into a peaceful slumber with incoherent dreams of nothing in particular. He was vaguely aware of people talking but only for a moment. Once his arm was tucked around Kris, he felt safe and relaxed into unconsciousness.
When he woke up, he lay still and listened. He heard someone fussing about around him and thought it had to be the healer because he hand Kris safely tucked under his arm, where he felt she belonged. He had no way of knowing if she was awake or not so he didn’t move. He lay there for the longest time thinking how badly he had to pee. He didn’t want to wake her because he knew she went through hell saving his life so he just lay there.

Just when he thought he couldn't stand it and took a deep breath to move, she moved. If he didn't need to get up so badly, he would have protested. He suddenly sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, much to the protest of the medic on duty. He hung his head for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning and the pain in his leg to stop screaming. “I bloody well need to pee.” He growled. “I may be blind but I know where the latrine is.” He planted his hands on the edge of the bed, at his sides and used his good leg to stand up. He immediately sat back down. “…holy fuck…” he muttered as the room spun.

[kristhiana]

Kris opened her eyes as the blankets beside her heaved up, she sat up and peered through sleepy eyes at Nik sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked softly as the medic rushed over to his patient.

“I bloody well need to pee.” Nik growled. “I may be blind but I know where the latrine is.”

Kris shrugged and watched as he went to stand, she watched as his eyes grew wide then almost rolled back in his head and he sat back down heavily.

"Holy fuck" he muttered and Kris rested a hand on his shoulder

"Don't rush things" she murmured softly "you are still very sick"

The medic came back from the other side of the room with a stone bottle in his hand. He glared at Kris who glared back. The medic cleared his throat and Kris rolled her eyes. The medic pointed at the door and stamped his foot.

Kris clambered off the bed "I have been watching grown men piss since I was 10 years old, I hardly think the sight of it now will affect my sensibilities"

The medic grimaced and glared at her before hissing "its not your sensibilities I am concerned with"

Kris shrugged "I will go to the mess and get some grub" as she reached the door she turned back and said softly "I will be back in a moment"

The medic glared at her further as she shut the door. She returned 20 minutes later with a tray of scrambled eggs and a coffee. As she entered, without knocking, barely managing to balance the tray the medic was looking over Nik's hand.

The medic turned and seeing the food she carried he put Nik's hand down and shook his head "No No No, he can't be eating food"

Kris shrugged "I am sure that is up to the Admiral" she smiled as sweetly as she could and waited for Nik to respond before coming any closer. The smell of the steaming food filling the room as Kris took off the cover and forked a generous mouthful into her mouth.

[Nikolas Breyden]

A bottle was placed in Niko’s hand and he heard the exchange between the medic and Kris and he painfully lifted an eyebrow. He waited for Kris to leave the chucked the bottle in the direction of the medic, “Not on your fucking life, I’ll piss on the floor first.” He said flatly, “Help me to the latrine.”

“Admiral, no, you’re not ready to walk.” The medic replied and placed the bottle back in Niko’s hands. “Here, let me help you.”

“I’m NOT pissing in a bottle!” Niko insisted in a tone that said he was getting annoyed. “Touch me and you’ll follow this.” He said and threw the bottle hard in the direction he knew the paneless window was.

“Hey, what the fuck!” Justice voice traveled in the open window then he appeared in the doorway.

“Justice, help me to the latrine.” Niko reached toward the voice. “This fucktard wants me to piss in a bottle.”

“Oh, hell no, give the man some dignity.” Niko smiled as he felt the big man put and arm around him to help him up, “I can take all your weight, Sir, don’t put any weight on that leg.”

The medic frowned but knew it would do him no good to protest as he watched the two men disappear out the door. He took that opportunity to change the bedding and get out something more appropriate for Niko to sleep in that the cut, torn and tattered shorts that had been a pair of camouflage pants when he was brought in the day before. Niko was exhausted by the time he was brought back in so he couldn’t fight when the medic insisted on cleaning him up and putting fresh sleeping boxers on him. Justice was gone by the time Kris returned. The medic was busy looking him over again.

"No No No, he can't be eating food" Niko heard the medic protest and felt him drop his hand.

"I am sure that is up to the Admiral” Niko smirked slightly at Kris’s comment. She was right, if he wanted to eat, he would have.

“Not hungry.” He said weakly. His trip to the latrine had taken every ounce of strength he had. He felt a sheet being put over him and he grabbed it with his good hand and pulled it off. “Hot, dammit. He muttered.” He pulled it off two more times before the medic gave up. “When do I get the bandages off my eyes?” he demanded. “I feel like I’m playing blind man’s bluff.”

“Not any time today, Admiral.” The medic was adamant about this.

“Fine, get out.” Niko relaxed into the pillow, exhausted.

[kristhiana]

Kris set the tray on the seat by the door, and held the door open for the medic. As he walked towards her she laughed "don't let it hit your ass on the way out"

She let go of the door and the medic scooted through quickly. She chuckled to herself and walked back over, sitting on the bed next to Nik.

Suddenly, for the first time in her life, she felt shy. She had no idea what to say, she had saved his life, more than once, cried for him, felt things for him she hadn't really had time to fully comprehend let alone been prepared for and then to top it all off she had slept called up against him with her head on his shoulder.

She suddenly felt conscience of everything, what she did, where she was, was she close enough to him, too far away, did she need a shower, brush her teeth, should stay should she go. It was a inner turmoil that she had no answers for. It had seemed so simple while she was cuddled up against him, yes that was what she had been what she was doing. It was justifiable, she was frightened he might die.

She took a deep breath and looked at him, his bandaged eyes and his pale skin, he was still so sick. She sighed the air from her lungs and she reached out, the palm of her hand resting against his cheek.

"Tell me" she asked softly "What happened that you were out there?"

She softened, relaxed, just her hand touching his face seemed to make it easier, like there was less pressure or less expectation or something she couldn't quite pinpoint.

"scoot over" she murmured, she kicked her boots off and lay on the bed beside him, careful not to hurt him.

"Nik" she murmured now she was a little more relaxed, who would have thought touching him made it easier to be around him now that all these emotions had been stirred up.

She watched his head turn towards her, she pushed up onto one elbow, bent her head and kissed him softly on the lips. When she lifted her lips from his and lay back down she smiled and took a deep breath before murmuring softly "there, that wasn't so scary was it?"

She took another deep breath and sighed "I should have been there, I should have stopped you getting hurt, I am sorry. I failed you, I failed my duty. Can you forgive me?"

[Nikolas Breyden]

Niko didn't feel whole when Kris was not near him, which was strange because he only just spent is first night with her and it was a fitful disturbed sleep that he had no desire to repeat. Only her presence had kept him sane during the night, perhaps that was it.

"Tell me" she asked softly "What happened that you were out there?"

He didn’t want to answer, to recall his shame, his broken pride, the reminder that she didn’t want him….she…didn’t want him…that’s right. Then why was she here?

"scoot over"

With a groan he did just that. He moved over but he left his head turned away from her.

”Nik.” he turned his head toward her voice and was surprised to feel her lips on his. It was amazing how she made his heart race. He wondered if she knew how she made him feel.

“Kris…it was my own fault for running off.” He said softly, “I was angry because….because you didn’t want me…and I acted like a spoiled child.” He sighed and swallowed back his shame. “I’m the one who should ask to be forgiven.” He turned his head toward the wall again, “My father was right…I’m nothing but a spoiled child. Why should you want me?”

[kristhiana]

Kris frowned, why didn't he understand, what she said to him then and everything she had said since.

"Nik" she softly, when he didn't turn back to her again she said it more firmly "Nik" she grabbed his head and turned it towards her.

"I never said I didn't want you" she sighed "I said I couldn't answer whether or not I could marry you." she rested her fingertips against his cheek "I am not the sort to rush into things Nik, you know me enough to know that." she smiled even though he couldn't see it "I am not saying No Nik, I am saying give me time to come to grips with everything that is happening so fast"

She took a deep breath "You are not a spoiled child, you never were. You know your father only ever said that to make you angry, to make you want to go harder to prove him wrong." she sighed "He wanted you to be better than he was, and he knew you were, right from the start"

She kissed him softly on the cheek.

[Nikolas Breyden]

“How can you say that? I have known you since you wandered into this camp.” Niko said with his brow furrowed. “That was the day I lost my father.” He muttered very softly. “He meant every word when he said those things.” He sighed deeply. He was about to reveal it all to her. Everything he knew in his mind and felt in his heart.

“The day you came, he stopped being my father. He stopped spending time with me unless it was on lessons, because he was training you. If I complained, he said I was a spoiled child and I suppose I was. I wanted my father. But I knew as long as I wasn't a soldier, like you, like his perfect little soldier, I could never be the child he wanted.” He paused and shifted slightly, “So I trained harder, worked harder, practiced harder, only to be asked why I could not be more like you and just follow orders as a military strategy book was shoved into my hands. He said I could never be a soldier and to leave that to you.” He took a deep shaky breath as he prepared to tell her his secret. “I hated you…”

He knew he couldn’t leave it there because there was more to it than that. There was so much more. “When I sneaked off with the raiding squad, I was going to show him and you that I could be a soldier; that I was worth something. You see I didn’t realize the destiny he had in store for me, for us.” He moved his hand onto her arm as if to tell her not to run away, that he needed her right where she was. “When I got hurt and he got so angry, I was convinced he hated me. It went on like that for years.” He began moving his thumb back and forth on her arm absently.

“We had a fight, the night before he died, I wished him dead. That’s something I can never take back. But I was angry and I meant it at that moment. I planned on leaving. I even had my things packed, I was ready to go, but it was then that I heard him praying. He prayed that I could open my eyes, so that I could lead the people and we would never suffer the fate of many rebel camps that fall to the zombies. He prayed that I could see the woman in you and realize why he wanted you to be so strong. He didn’t want me to lose my wife, the way he lost his. He meant for us to be together Kris.”

He moved his hands to the bandages on his eyes. He wanted to see her face. Without warning he pulled them away and looked at her blurry form with his angry red eyes and colorful lights danced around her shape, “Then he died the next day. At the funeral, I saw your tears. No one else did, but I did. That's the day I fell in love with you Kris.” His eyes filled with tears. “Do you understand? This is what he wanted all along. He didn’t stop loving me because he loved you…he loved us both and just wanted us to survive and never be alone, like he was.”

[kristhiana]

Kris opened her mouth to protest, more than once, but closed it not wanting to interrupt and realising that Nik needed to let it out. He looked like he might explode if he didn't and a little part in the back of her mind she knew she needed to hear it too.

She was shocked by what he said, she bit her lip. She knew that Nik hadn't particularily liked her when they were younger but she didn't know that he had hated her. Hating was such a harsh emotion. She took a deep breath, might have cried other than the stern voice in her head telling her the soldiers dont cry, soldiers dont feel, soldiers dont care.

She reached out to try and snatch Nik's hand away from the bandage but something told her to let him go, maybe it was the determined grimace on his lips or the way he swallowed hard. His eyes were red and puffy and she closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, silently praying that he would still have his vision. When she opened them she could see the tears in his eyes.

She reached out and touched his cheek, brushing away the tears, her fingertips gentle on his skin. She felt her on tears on her cheeks as emotions held in check coursed through her.

"I understand Nik, I understand." she took a deep breath "You have no idea how much your father loved you. All he ever talked about was you. All he ever had me do was train to protect you, train to protect the person who would keep us all safe. Please Nik, don't ever think your father didn't love you and preferred me over you. He worked me damn hard, trained me to think of nothing and no one but you"

She shook her head slowly "I suppose it makes sense now, what his plans were to be eventually." she moved closer to him, sliding an arm around his waist "He always told me to never let you be lonely, to never let you be sad" she pressed her cheek against his cheek and their tears merged into a river of released sadness and realisation.

"I loved your father Nik" she murmered "He was all I ever had and I felt a little piece of me die the day of his funeral." her arm tightened around him gently "That was until you kissed me"

She lifted her cheek and looked into his pain filled eyes, she smiled through the tears and lowered her lips to his and kissed him, not softly or gently, but kissed him with a passion she had never felt before.

When she lifted her lips she whispered "I love you Nik, I always have. Maybe your father knew that, maybe he saw how much of a crush I had on you when I was young and how much that drove me to train even harder once I knew I was training for you"

[Nikolas Breyden]

Niko was glad she understood what he was saying. That she was able to see it like he did. It had taken him a long time to stop feeling betrayed an abandoned. He kiss told him she felt the same way he did. He felt himself begin to care whether he lived or died. “I know he knew.” He said softly and reached up to pull the bandages back over his eyes, he couldn't see anything but swirling colors with a blurry form in the middle anyway. He could have come back at her when she said she loved his father and he was all she had. He wanted to say that he was HIS father and all that he had but he didn’t really have him, she did. But now he understood. And as hard as it was not to let those thoughts invade his mind, he was able to keep from voicing them and remember that he loved her, more than anything and she could have anything of his that she wanted. Even, if he were alive, his father.

He didn't think they needed any more words. It was all said, he loved her, she loved him, what more was there. Even if she didn't want to marry him, there was no taking it back now. They were in love and they were just going to have to deal with it.

He let his good hand move to her back and slide up it when she kissed him and returned the kiss with the same passion. “I’m sorry for being so hard to handle.” He murmured. As tired and weak as he was, all he wanted was to be with Kris. It was a deep and aching need that was remedied only by her touch. It was a more powerful medicine than anything else they could possible give him.