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Post by Thor Ericsson on Jul 12, 2011 11:10:00 GMT 1
Post your favorite funny jokes here. I will begin.
Three blondes were walking though the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
"Those are deer tracks." the first blonde said.
"No, those are moose tracks." said the second.
"You're both wrong, those are elk tracks." the third insisted.
They went around and around for an hour until a train hit them.
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Post by Laik Blackthorn on Jul 12, 2011 11:30:45 GMT 1
I was coming back from Ireland, and I was stopped for speeding. Upon seeing a box of shells in my passenger seat the officer asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "Certainly officer. What do you need?"
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Post by Thor Ericsson on Jul 12, 2011 11:33:56 GMT 1
A blonde was telling a priest an Irish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Irish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
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Post by Laik Blackthorn on Jul 12, 2011 11:34:46 GMT 1
Fucker!
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Post by gabriel on Jul 12, 2011 12:47:45 GMT 1
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a smile the third man answered. "I'm a Lollipop Salesman."
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Post by dorian on Jul 13, 2011 7:28:46 GMT 1
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
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Post by willowdeluna on Sept 20, 2011 5:39:19 GMT 1
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
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Post by melissaparker on Sept 22, 2011 3:09:14 GMT 1
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
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Post by Lukias Aman on Jan 10, 2012 3:21:43 GMT 1
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Post by sahil1420 on Jan 14, 2012 14:04:32 GMT 1
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Post by melissaparker on Jan 25, 2012 1:23:02 GMT 1
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"
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Post by marcoscorleone on Mar 13, 2012 18:30:09 GMT 1
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
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Post by Thor Ericsson on Mar 13, 2012 23:01:24 GMT 1
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Post by Thor Ericsson on Mar 13, 2012 23:04:25 GMT 1
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
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Post by smithxx on Jun 20, 2013 14:45:39 GMT 1
So whats for today ?
I'm still thinking
All jokes are so funny so far
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